Now, why the dickens do they say
The Law is an ass?
One cannot think why?
The Law may just as well be (mayn’t he?)
Quite a number of other creatures
Biped or quadruped
Reptile or volatile.
For instance, Why not say
The Law is a cow, for she’s always in milk,
Or the Law is a calf, being bound in it,
Or the Law is a billy-goat, for all his quips and caprices,
Or the Law is a sheep, for all his prospect of fleece,
Or the Law is a lamb, for all his innocence of what’s not in his book,
Or the Law is a buffalo for a very pachydermous insensibility,
Or else, for one who oft must wallow and eat the husks of swine,
Why not say (pardon us) The Law is a pig,
(And some indeed cast their pearls before him.)
Now, come to think of it
Why not say also
The Law is a hen, for that she lays her golden egg
Or the Law is a cock (let us say, of King’s Bench Walk)
Or the Law is a vulture bowling chaps to a beak
Or the Law is a gull, for many a thing he says surpasseth understanding,
Or the Law is an ostrich, for what he sees not, counts not,
Or the Law is a peacock for his proud parade of the finer points.
Or, if he is not any of these,
Why not say
The Law is a parrot,
For what the Emperor Justinian said then, the law repeats to this day?
In equatorial Africa the philosophers,
Are divided between saying,
The Law is a rhinoceros
And the Law is a hippopotamus,
For only under these lordly guises
Can they conceive the majesty of the Law.
But in the Ind of the Vedic time they said
The Law is an elephant.
For the weight wherewith he could put his foot down on things (And his colour is white).
And in the sagas of the old Germanic toughs they said
The Law is a dragon, a breathing fire and a-lusting to eat their juiciest damsel
However this be, the ancients of Australasia’s bushmen
Think otherwise and bluntly say
The Law is a kangaroo,
For there is a family tradition in the brief bag of the counsel-at-law,
As there is a family tradition in the she-kangaroo’s perambulatory pouch.
But against this view,
The primitive Aztecs hold their own and say
The Law is llama, browsing and browsing
On the rich pasturages of Lord Halsbury’s wide domain.
Old Confucius, in his time, he said
The Law is a worm,
Spinning cocoon on cocoon
(And then the worm turns and takes silk);
And old Socrates he said
The Law is an owl,
Minerva’s sacred bird of wisdom,
(Who said ‘gnothi santon‘, that is, let the law know the law);
And holy Job he said
The Law is behemoth,
His strength in his loins, his force in the navel of his belly.
Contrariwise, a later jurist, Thomas Hobbes, he said
The Law is a leviathan,
His bare back the foundation of all society’s law and order
And grim John Bunyan he said
(Without specification)
The Law is a blatant beast;
And John Milton he said
The law is a grim wolf, with privy paw, daily devouring space;
Which circumstance should remind us
That old Aesop he said
The Law is a lion; and remember to allot him his share.
Would these be words actionable for libel or for slander
Or merely making misjoinder of parties only
To say pointedly what the Gospel says between the lines:
The Law is a rat devouring the houses of widows?
In any case,
Why not say after all
The Law is a cat, when who’s away, the mice are at play,
Or the Law is a mastiff, baring his teeth on the watch and ward.
Or the Law is a horse, whose sense brings in the verdict of twelve good men and true,
Or the Law is a goose, for what’s sauce for her is sauce for the gander too,
Or the Law is a lizard of the lounge taking his ease in the Law Library?
Or the Law is a snail, (for who knows not of the law’s delays?),
Or the Law is an ant, for he says de minimis non curat lex.
Or the Law is a deer, and he taxes bills and rams the costs of action down litigious throats.
Anyhow, lest we forget, take note to boot:
That Hippocrates, in his time, has said
The Law is a leech, curing all by suction of blood;
But the Lord Chancellor Campbell has said
The Law is a camel, keep on the windy side of the ship o’ the desert.
That Grotius has said
The Law is a giraffe, winning by a neck in every case;
But Voet has said
The Law is a snake, he lieth in the grass, beware how you put your foot in it.
That Bracton has said
The Law is an eel, so slippery and slithery he can be and is;
But Dr. Strabismus, of Jena (whom God preserve) has said
The Law is a bat, but, spite of visibility bad, he still must hold the scales.
Some say
The Law is a boar;
Others say
The Law is a lark.
But spite of this, there’s no reason why
One should not say,
For certain good reasons
The Law is a shark,
Or the Law is a python or a boa-constrictor
Or merely, the Law is a fox;
And for equally reasonable Cause
Could one also say ‘
The Law is a whale for all his blah and blubber,
Or the Law is an octopus, for all its toils and tentacles
Or the Law is a tiger, no respecter of persons he,
(For his law is one law for all)
Or the Law is an eagle, for the eye of his swoop and the, claw of his clutch.
How then and why then
Dis some monomaniacal individual
Being a free and lawful person (liber et legalis homo),
Pitch on a pitiful ass
Fix on an asinus alone,
Out of all this plethora of creatures under the sun.
To say in a judgment and sentence
Ex parte:
The Law is an ass?
A certain learned Dr. John Arbuthnot, M. D.
Considering the cause celebre,
Lord Strutt vs John Bull, Nicholas Frog and Lewis Baboon
And satisfied with this circumstantial evidence
To wit that they spent all they had in their law suit,
Delivered an obiter dictum
To say
The Law is a bottomless pit;
From which premise The onus is on honesty to conclude
And say
The Law is the d-—1, indeed the very d—1.
Said the learned Mr. Justice Starleigh, (the same who gave the verdict in Bardell vs Pickwick)
“This pleading is void in law,
For if, the great Apostle says true,
The Law is holy, the law is spiritual, the law is not sin.
What then could the devil be doing there?”
His Lordship further asked;
“If the book of Psalms it says
The Law is in the mouth,
The Law is in the heart,
What then does animal or brute or other creature there?”
“No the Law not an ass, I say,” My Lord he interposed
“Though a man may be an ass, who goes to Law”
(Upon which pleasantry was heard loud laughter in the Court.)
“A poet”, His Lordship opines, “may say ‘Order is heaven’s first law’
I say
The Law is heaven’s first order,”
Thus he said
And made his order, dismissed the lis pendens,
And quashed the proceedings,
Fiat justitia, ruat coelum.